Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Julia's avatar

This is a fascinating one. Speaking as a childless woman, never married, who is 39.5 (and yes, as a childless woman in my late thirties, I'm very aware of the .5, and I tend to view life in 9-month increments), I find that most articles about the fertility crisis miss the basic problem. It's not that we don't want children or aren't used to them (I babysat other people's children, which I hated, but I loved spending time with my half-siblings who were born when I was in high school - from them, I learned about the joy of watching a child's personality develop and helping them discover their sense of humor and understanding of the world). It's also not that we, highly intelligent adults, can't handle delaying gratification or putting off our own pleasure (like many of my female friends, I spent 6 years getting a PhD, then many years underpaid in academia - much less joy and reward than a child, and a similar effect on one's social life).

Almost all of my female friends and many female cousins my age, all of whom are very smart and well educated, have wanted children at some point. (The one exception is a wonderful, loving, nurturing friend whose mother is clinically psychotic.) Among those women, the ones who found stable partnerships in their 20s or 30s and have not had fertility problems have all had children - the majority of them two, three, or four children - even the women who are family breadwinners in low-paying jobs.

Among my friends, those of us who haven't had children haven't had them either because of infertility problems (one friend went through menopause at 32, while trying to persuade her male partner to have a baby; now she sees him on dating apps, seeking women to have children with) or, as in my case, because we have not found partners with whom to have them. I have been trying from the age of 25, quite energetically and despite endless disappointment, to find a loving relationship - with a partner of either sex - in which to have a child. It hasn't happened. I've had the option with a few boyfriends, but they were relationships that were clearly not going to last, and as the child of a baby boomer marriage that ended painfully when I was 5, I have always felt that I would never, ever put a child through a parental divorce.

So the real question, for most childless women I know and have met, is whether to give up on finding a partner and try alone. The cost-benefit calculation here is agonizing. There's the option of egg freezing (which is notoriously ineffective) or embryo freezing (which works better but forecloses the possibility that a future male partner could be the biological father). The narrative is usually one of freedom and choice, but a close female friend of mine who is a doctor decided against egg harvesting because of the associated cancer risk. My aunt died of ovarian cancer, and this is not a risk I feel comfortable taking.

One close American friend's sister recently had a baby on her own at 41. She's an executive at a major international firm, lives in Europe (hence maternity leave and benefits), makes a vast amount of money, continues to travel constantly for pleasure with the baby, can afford any help she needs, and had embryo freezing and all other fertility treatment paid for by her employers. Another close British female friend recently had a baby on her own at nearly 41, after five years of trying - miscarriage in a failing relationship that she only kept going in order to become pregnant, followed by many solo IVF rounds. She spent GBP 40,000 on her baby, on an academic salary. She has retired parents with whom she is close; they all sold their houses and moved to a larger one in the country where they now live together so her parents can help with child care. She was able to arrange 2 years of leave from her academic job (in exchange for a lot of admin work before the birth, and including maternity and research leave) and will be able to work 2 days a week in person when she goes back.

I'm very happy for both these solo mothers - but how many women have these options? Further, these are both women for whom having a child has always been more important than finding a relationship with a partner. I've always wanted a loving adult relationship as much as, or more than, I want a child, and choosing to have a child on my own feels like limiting the possibility of finding such a relationship.

These are the considerations that educated adult women, in my experience, actually have to deal with. Babysitting, unfortunately, is not going to help.

Expand full comment
Alison Self's avatar

I grew up in the 70’s and regularly babysat for local parents, the benefits were great…unlimited snacks and after the kids went to bed I could listen to their LP’s, a much better selection than my parents had! I recall one dad would pick me up in his Porsche! Later when I had my own kids I belonged to a group of moms (and dads) who babysat for each other for credit hours! No money exchanged hands and it was rare you couldn’t find someone who could help. Now I hope to be able to help out with future grandchildren, all being well! Just one thing, pertaining to your group get togethers. When my kids were about 14 months old they still hadn’t started walking, we went to a large group camp and the preteens loved taking my twins by the hand and walking all over the campsite with them (we loved it too as we could do our own thing with our friends). By the end of the week they were walking all on their own! Everyone benefited!

Expand full comment
15 more comments...

No posts