I feel like I do grieving “wrong” — both the experiencing of it and particularly the sympathy/empathy part. Thanks for writing this! I’m not looking forward to the day I will need to refer back to it but I know it will come again.
I can tell you that as a hospice nurse I have seen every kind of grieving possible: People who scream (literally) moan and cry, people who are happy that their loved one is now peaceful, people who make silly jokes because that's what their family is like, and people who cook up a huge amazing breakfast. Everyone grieves their own way and the form of grief can change from day to day. There really is no right or wrong.
Thank you for sharing this wisdom from your experience, Theresa. You’re reminding me of my FIL’s funeral. Right before the service, the family gathered in a separate room. We were sharing memories of Jerry, and his cousin, Bernard, told a story of a funeral they went to as kids. Jerry looked around at all the old people attending and said, “I don’t know why some of these people even bother going home.” We all burst out laughing, and at that very moment someone opened the door, and about fifty other funeral guests heard us all laughing. Oops! But awkward as that moment was, it is my favorite memory from Jerry’s funeral.
I think there is no such thing as “wrong” when it comes to grief. We all handle it our own unique way. I hope it will be a long time before you will need this post.
I so, so, so agree with you about the no thank you notes rules following funerals or other serious events. I have never expected that, and feel like it's gravy when I receive one and hope the person sent it because they wanted to connect. It's cruel and unusual to hold grudges against the grieving for not acknowledging one's gift, effort, etc. We help because it's the right thing to do. So sorry for what you're going through. Hugs!!!!!
Thanks for your kind words, and also for being there with the supportive messages you have been sending me.
And yes, let’s change the culture around thank you notes, especially when people are ill, suffering, or grieving. If it helps them to write the notes, that is one thing, but if not, we as a culture need to let this rule go.
Having just lost Roger, your article is so relevant. The girls and I are doing okay, but this is the toughest time we have ever faced. Certainly, the outpouring of love has been comforting, from little gestures to huge ones. I will certainly share this article. Thank you.
PS I have written close to 80 notes in the last two weeks. Call me crazy!
Roger was such a good man and loving husband and dad. I am so sorry, and I’m sending a hug to you and your daughters. (And if writing thank you notes helps you feel better, that is a good thing!)
I concur on the no response needed. My best friend recently lost her husband of 40 years. She mentioned to me the other day that she was struggling to write thank you notes. I and another friend said “you don’t need to”. I also like your “show up but for 20 minutes only” it gets awkward after a length of time and one should make a polite but firm exit.
I would add a further suggestion, the bereaved do not want or need to hear your stories about how their loved one died and how devastated they were! A mutual friend/colleague would go on about how it was when their mother died. Privately my newly widowed (don’t even get me started on that weird title!) friend said she understood that it hurt for her to lose her mom but she had lost her husband for goodness sake!!!!
This is an excellent suggestion, Alison. I think sometimes people think they are empathizing when they share their own stories, but too often they just make the suffering person feel worse—or the suffering person winds up comforting the friend who came to comfort them! It’s much better just to listen.
It's been many years since everyone in my immediate family--mother, father, sister--has died and I still can't think about any of it. Glad to have a different response to consider.
Oh Kathleen, I am so sorry that you have gone through so many losses. You spend so much of your time helping other people. I hope that is a comfort to you.
I feel like I do grieving “wrong” — both the experiencing of it and particularly the sympathy/empathy part. Thanks for writing this! I’m not looking forward to the day I will need to refer back to it but I know it will come again.
I can tell you that as a hospice nurse I have seen every kind of grieving possible: People who scream (literally) moan and cry, people who are happy that their loved one is now peaceful, people who make silly jokes because that's what their family is like, and people who cook up a huge amazing breakfast. Everyone grieves their own way and the form of grief can change from day to day. There really is no right or wrong.
Thank you for sharing this wisdom from your experience, Theresa. You’re reminding me of my FIL’s funeral. Right before the service, the family gathered in a separate room. We were sharing memories of Jerry, and his cousin, Bernard, told a story of a funeral they went to as kids. Jerry looked around at all the old people attending and said, “I don’t know why some of these people even bother going home.” We all burst out laughing, and at that very moment someone opened the door, and about fifty other funeral guests heard us all laughing. Oops! But awkward as that moment was, it is my favorite memory from Jerry’s funeral.
I think there is no such thing as “wrong” when it comes to grief. We all handle it our own unique way. I hope it will be a long time before you will need this post.
I so, so, so agree with you about the no thank you notes rules following funerals or other serious events. I have never expected that, and feel like it's gravy when I receive one and hope the person sent it because they wanted to connect. It's cruel and unusual to hold grudges against the grieving for not acknowledging one's gift, effort, etc. We help because it's the right thing to do. So sorry for what you're going through. Hugs!!!!!
Thanks for your kind words, and also for being there with the supportive messages you have been sending me.
And yes, let’s change the culture around thank you notes, especially when people are ill, suffering, or grieving. If it helps them to write the notes, that is one thing, but if not, we as a culture need to let this rule go.
Yes. So much yes.
Thanks, Mark. I know you lost your dad recently too. I’m so sorry, and I’m sending a hug.
Having just lost Roger, your article is so relevant. The girls and I are doing okay, but this is the toughest time we have ever faced. Certainly, the outpouring of love has been comforting, from little gestures to huge ones. I will certainly share this article. Thank you.
PS I have written close to 80 notes in the last two weeks. Call me crazy!
Roger was such a good man and loving husband and dad. I am so sorry, and I’m sending a hug to you and your daughters. (And if writing thank you notes helps you feel better, that is a good thing!)
I concur on the no response needed. My best friend recently lost her husband of 40 years. She mentioned to me the other day that she was struggling to write thank you notes. I and another friend said “you don’t need to”. I also like your “show up but for 20 minutes only” it gets awkward after a length of time and one should make a polite but firm exit.
I would add a further suggestion, the bereaved do not want or need to hear your stories about how their loved one died and how devastated they were! A mutual friend/colleague would go on about how it was when their mother died. Privately my newly widowed (don’t even get me started on that weird title!) friend said she understood that it hurt for her to lose her mom but she had lost her husband for goodness sake!!!!
This is an excellent suggestion, Alison. I think sometimes people think they are empathizing when they share their own stories, but too often they just make the suffering person feel worse—or the suffering person winds up comforting the friend who came to comfort them! It’s much better just to listen.
It's been many years since everyone in my immediate family--mother, father, sister--has died and I still can't think about any of it. Glad to have a different response to consider.
Oh Kathleen, I am so sorry that you have gone through so many losses. You spend so much of your time helping other people. I hope that is a comfort to you.