I've been meaning to buy a book by Gottman to learn more about the idea of "bids for connection." I've seen a TED Talk about BFCs, and I've heard YouTube influencers and others mention the idea while discussing relationship struggles. I'd like to learn more about the research and how couple's counselors use the idea to strengthen clients' relationships. The idea seems very intuitive, but sadly this isn't always the case.
Yes, I can think of two circumstances last week when I responded to bids for connection from relative strangers.
The first BFC, if you like, was from an adolescent boy in our neighborhood, whom we saw detailing a car in front of his family home while we were out walking the dogs. At first we weren't certain what he was doing. When asked (via Midwestern small talk), he said he was starting a detailing business to clean the cars of people in our neighborhood. He was quite precocious: it was as if he was channeling a 30-year-old salesperson while he described the services he'd provide to lift stains from the seats of our car. I'd recently been saddened by a news article suggesting adolescents have not been seeking employment as often as has was common in previous generations. So I was pleased to find my husband and I planning to support the entrepreneurial efforts of a young neighbor. 🙂
The second BFC was from a relatively new partner of an old friend. This summer we've all visited twice in a larger social setting. My friend's partner was relatively quiet in both times, likely because she was the newcomer, from out of town, to a local social group with a history. The other day, she texted asking for a visit with me alone to get to know me better. I've heard many people say it's very hard to make new friends in our Midwestern city. I'm not really sure what she and I will have in common. But she took the risk and I am happy to give the acquaintanceship a try. Why not? We plan to visit in a few weeks when she returns to town. 🙂
Thank you for sharing these lovely stories! How sweet of you to give work to this enterprising teenager, and how welcoming of you to take this woman up on her offer to get to know each other better!
Fantastic post. The idea of "bids" is something that's stuck with me for years. My favorite story of accepting an offer:
I had a hard time freshman year of college. A friend encouraged me to give it one more semester--give it the old college try!--before transferring. So I purposefully accepted offers I wouldn't have before. One evening I had gone out on a walk with a couple people (accepted that offer!) and on my way back into my dorm, a guy I had known a little since the first day of college was sitting on the veranda and called out "so...Dracula." (We were meant to be reading it for a class we both had). My hand was on the door handle; I'd already accepted an offer that day; I could've shrugged it off and headed up to my room to recover from socializing I'd already done. But I let go of the handle and accepted the offer of conversation. Reader, I married him.
Oh wow! I have a huge smile on my face from this story! Thank you so much for sharing it! (Also, Dracula is an EXCELLENT book for discussing on a first date!)
I've lived my life this way! Every person I meet has a story to tell! As do I! I love to ask people in Central Park if they would like me to take their picture together! Afterwards, I always ask where 1they're from! I learn so much from others and enjoy our speck of time together! I love this post
I have read Gottman's work, Mari, and find it has helped me to recognize bids/offers when they occur--a great way to begin new friendships. On another note, I am always saddened when I see offers/bids going unrecognized. Thanks for this reminder to be open. I always appreciate your writing!
what an unusual view/description of love-which we usually associate with strong, dynamic, bold, brash, unhesitating expressions of emotion. This one from Herbert is hesitant, shy, cautious...what a lovely (other) side of love.
"Offers" can include suggestions by a friend to try a new a restaurant, a new Netflix show, or even a new sport. I think part of accepting these offers is weighing the risk of a new offer against the adventure it might bring or the meaning it may provide. These decisions are weighted by past outcomes of similar or different offers, and how spending time with someone ranks in a person's overall sense of well-being. Offer acceptance involves managing competing levels of fear, respect, curiosity, and maybe even love. We grow from accepting offers that push the envelope and take us outside of our comfort zone.
I've been meaning to buy a book by Gottman to learn more about the idea of "bids for connection." I've seen a TED Talk about BFCs, and I've heard YouTube influencers and others mention the idea while discussing relationship struggles. I'd like to learn more about the research and how couple's counselors use the idea to strengthen clients' relationships. The idea seems very intuitive, but sadly this isn't always the case.
Yes, I can think of two circumstances last week when I responded to bids for connection from relative strangers.
The first BFC, if you like, was from an adolescent boy in our neighborhood, whom we saw detailing a car in front of his family home while we were out walking the dogs. At first we weren't certain what he was doing. When asked (via Midwestern small talk), he said he was starting a detailing business to clean the cars of people in our neighborhood. He was quite precocious: it was as if he was channeling a 30-year-old salesperson while he described the services he'd provide to lift stains from the seats of our car. I'd recently been saddened by a news article suggesting adolescents have not been seeking employment as often as has was common in previous generations. So I was pleased to find my husband and I planning to support the entrepreneurial efforts of a young neighbor. 🙂
The second BFC was from a relatively new partner of an old friend. This summer we've all visited twice in a larger social setting. My friend's partner was relatively quiet in both times, likely because she was the newcomer, from out of town, to a local social group with a history. The other day, she texted asking for a visit with me alone to get to know me better. I've heard many people say it's very hard to make new friends in our Midwestern city. I'm not really sure what she and I will have in common. But she took the risk and I am happy to give the acquaintanceship a try. Why not? We plan to visit in a few weeks when she returns to town. 🙂
Thank you for sharing these lovely stories! How sweet of you to give work to this enterprising teenager, and how welcoming of you to take this woman up on her offer to get to know each other better!
Fantastic post. The idea of "bids" is something that's stuck with me for years. My favorite story of accepting an offer:
I had a hard time freshman year of college. A friend encouraged me to give it one more semester--give it the old college try!--before transferring. So I purposefully accepted offers I wouldn't have before. One evening I had gone out on a walk with a couple people (accepted that offer!) and on my way back into my dorm, a guy I had known a little since the first day of college was sitting on the veranda and called out "so...Dracula." (We were meant to be reading it for a class we both had). My hand was on the door handle; I'd already accepted an offer that day; I could've shrugged it off and headed up to my room to recover from socializing I'd already done. But I let go of the handle and accepted the offer of conversation. Reader, I married him.
Oh wow! I have a huge smile on my face from this story! Thank you so much for sharing it! (Also, Dracula is an EXCELLENT book for discussing on a first date!)
I've lived my life this way! Every person I meet has a story to tell! As do I! I love to ask people in Central Park if they would like me to take their picture together! Afterwards, I always ask where 1they're from! I learn so much from others and enjoy our speck of time together! I love this post
This is what I love about you, Amy!
I have read Gottman's work, Mari, and find it has helped me to recognize bids/offers when they occur--a great way to begin new friendships. On another note, I am always saddened when I see offers/bids going unrecognized. Thanks for this reminder to be open. I always appreciate your writing!
I think I will be more aware of the presence of offers in my life now.
I love this Mari! God created us for connection and your stories reflect His nature 💕 all the feels here
what an unusual view/description of love-which we usually associate with strong, dynamic, bold, brash, unhesitating expressions of emotion. This one from Herbert is hesitant, shy, cautious...what a lovely (other) side of love.
I just love Herbert's simple faith, so modestly expressed.
"Offers" can include suggestions by a friend to try a new a restaurant, a new Netflix show, or even a new sport. I think part of accepting these offers is weighing the risk of a new offer against the adventure it might bring or the meaning it may provide. These decisions are weighted by past outcomes of similar or different offers, and how spending time with someone ranks in a person's overall sense of well-being. Offer acceptance involves managing competing levels of fear, respect, curiosity, and maybe even love. We grow from accepting offers that push the envelope and take us outside of our comfort zone.
I remember reading about offers! I think its so sweet to think of love not in grand gestures, but a few small occurances.
What a sweet and lovely thing to say!