I wish I could like this 100 times!! The task of writing thank you notes fills me with dread and causes me genuine stress. I can’t believe we expect people to do this after funerals or childbirth.
When I was a child, my mom sat me down and forced me to write at least 3 sentences in every card. Which led to stiff notes just like your picture. I think I wrote “It is nice.” In every damn card.
As an adult, I gave myself permission to just stop. When my relatives send gifts for my son, I record a video of him opening it and thanking them. And I take pictures of him playing with the item, and I send it all over text along with my own thank you text. My view is: if that’s not enough, don’t send us anything.
I once saw an idea on Reddit that I loved, something we can all use to stop this. Someone wrote that she was at a baby shower when a guest spoke up and said “Can we give you the gift of no thank you notes?” And everyone ooh’ed and loved it and agreed. Be the change!
I love the idea of the gift of no thank you notes--ESPECIALLY for a new mom! Those first weeks after a baby is born are already difficult enough. There’s no need to make them worse by requiring the new mom to fulfill a meaningless obligation. And for my part, I would much rather receive a video of a child’s joy at a gift than a coerced and formulaic note.
Lol @ “thank you note slander”! Cute pic of your son! Please thank him for the laugh-- it doesn’t need to be in the form of a handwritten note, however.
So ...personally I appreciate getting a “thank you text” --mainly in cases where I sent a gift far away and want to be sure it was received. I also enjoy hearing whether the recipients enjoy the gift. (I don’t get mad if I don’t hear. Gifts need to be freely given! But there’s a place for letting people know you enjoyed their gifts.)
My daughter sent various family members and family friends heartfelt thank you texts for her graduation gifts last summer-- and although I would never say anything to her (because she did it spontaneously and I don’t think she did anything wrong) all her friends to whom we’d given graduation gifts (and there were quite a few!) ALL sent handwritten notes. ***All of them.*** I was astonished. Also I felt a bit like I’d failed in my mom duties on that occasion to be honest.
Re thank you notes for interviews. I really appreciate getting those (well, in 2022 they take the form of “thank you emails”) because I perceive people who send them as being seriously interested in the job, and I only want to hire from the subset of people who are seriously interested. I find it helpful to get those notes, if otherwise it’s a close call. Plus it’s an indication they know how to be socially appropriate. That’s important when hiring for public-facing jobs.
I don’t think you failed in your mom duties! You are in the text-thank-you-note vanguard! And thank you emails after an interview are probably a good idea, because you can reiterate why you’re the best candidate and also share more info or ask for a follow-up interview. I see that kind of message as part of the interview process. But a special thank you note for the privilege of undergoing an interview?! Madness!
(Thanks for the kind words about the picture, btw! It’s one of my favorites!)
So lol at your prism thank you note issue, I waited until the end of the day to write this response to your post because I knew I would be getting birthday wishes and possibly gifts today from my lovely family here in the UK. After our gathering complete with cake, a music themed water bottle from my sister and a British flag tin complete with shortbread biscuits from my cousins, not to mention sharing a lovely lunch and walk with everyone, I sent a What’s App thank you to everyone that came. And received thanks for the gifts I had brought for the youngest generation, Ono 3, Freddie 6 months, and Sophie 1 month. (Ono thanked me himself, Freddie and Sophie’s parents gave their thanks!). It is ok to use modern technology to express feelings of gratitude! I am also trying really hard to let go of the irritation I have for the son of a good friend whom I will see in a couple of days…my husband and I attended the wedding of her eldest child 3 years ago, flying to Oregon from NJ and giving a reasonable sized cash gift….we are still waiting for the TY note! But being both British (we don’t talk about these things) and it’s not my friends fault her son is at fault, it will not be discussed!
Hi Mari--Another winning column! I enjoy hand-writing notes when it feels right, and I got some lovely hand-written cards when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (along with emails, etc), but I completely agree with you about Thank You notes and how they distort the whole idea behind giving. A set of relatives (who shall remain unidentified) grew very critical of our children for not promptly writing thank you notes. This was really criticism of me and my husband, and I really minded because we were both working full time and trying to manage three kids and all that that entails and did not see Thank Yous as important relative to everything else going on in our lives. Also, my feeling has always been that if one gives a gift it should be done in a spirit of generosity, not with the expectation of being immediately and formally recognized as being a generous gift-giver. To me, that's not the point of generosity--in fact, the opposite.
I like formally thanking people, but only when it feels from the heart, and certainly NOT when the expectation is that the gift-giver deserves my thanks in that particular way, no matter what else I am busy with (as for example, the grieving person in the Social Qs column).
In conclusion, Thank you friend, for writing this column about how the writing of thank you notes can become an occasion of sin. I agree.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment! I think that people who genuinely enjoy writing handwritten notes and are also (ahem) somewhat older and possibly retired have no idea what a hassle writing them can be for young families, or how alien they can feel when you’re used to just texting someone your thanks right away.
After my husband died I wrote thank you notes to people who attended the funeral or sent flowers or donations in his memory to good causes. Quite a few people sent cards. One day a few weeks after, my daughter came in as I was dolefully writing thank you notes for the cards and she said, "mom, STOP!" I did.
Oh, dear! I guess I am going to be the only one to disagree. I am in agreement that a handwritten note sent via USPS is not the only way to express gratitude; however, especially when a package is mailed or ordered to be delivered, I do expect to hear that the gift has arrived safely.
Our elderly neighbor has grown very fond of our 3 grandchildren. During Covid, I did not take them over to visit her, of course. Now that “things” are better, we take a walk across the street for a little visit. She often has a little gift for each of them. She usually calls me at least 3 times to thank me for taking them to see her or to tell me how much she loves getting their thank you notes, usually pictures they have of the gifts, which she now hangs on her frig. “Miss Loretta” has only a flip phone in her modern technology bag of tricks.
I also think a handmade gift deserves a special response. If someone has taken the time to knit a baby sweater or make a quilt, I think a quick email is not enough. At least a photo could be added to an email.
Roger’s sister was the first person to succumb to Covid in Cape May County, NJ. Roger (and I) re chives dozen of notes and cards of sympathy and notification Ps of donations. I wrote a personal note to every single person who did so. No one likes to do that, but I was helping Roger and was reminded as I wrote each one how thoughtful and caring people really are.
I am so sorry about your sister-in-law, Kathy. And I agree that especially when you ship a gift, the recipient ought to let you know that s/he has received it.
It is very sweet that your grandkids have a bond with Miss Loretta--thank you for sharing that lovely story!
If only you could have had this perspective when I was in elementary school! But seriously, I do agree with you. From the perspective of the younger generation- nobody really wants to get a thank you note, either. We all remember being forced to write them, and it just feels overly formal and insincere.
I wish I could like this 100 times!! The task of writing thank you notes fills me with dread and causes me genuine stress. I can’t believe we expect people to do this after funerals or childbirth.
When I was a child, my mom sat me down and forced me to write at least 3 sentences in every card. Which led to stiff notes just like your picture. I think I wrote “It is nice.” In every damn card.
As an adult, I gave myself permission to just stop. When my relatives send gifts for my son, I record a video of him opening it and thanking them. And I take pictures of him playing with the item, and I send it all over text along with my own thank you text. My view is: if that’s not enough, don’t send us anything.
I once saw an idea on Reddit that I loved, something we can all use to stop this. Someone wrote that she was at a baby shower when a guest spoke up and said “Can we give you the gift of no thank you notes?” And everyone ooh’ed and loved it and agreed. Be the change!
I love the idea of the gift of no thank you notes--ESPECIALLY for a new mom! Those first weeks after a baby is born are already difficult enough. There’s no need to make them worse by requiring the new mom to fulfill a meaningless obligation. And for my part, I would much rather receive a video of a child’s joy at a gift than a coerced and formulaic note.
Thank you for this post. ;-)
Tee hee!
Thank you for reading it!
This reminded me of Saki's short story "Down Pens". It's a satire on thank you notes, from back when there weren't many other options. https://americanliterature.com/author/hh-munro-saki/short-story/down-pens
Ok, that was a terrific story! I love “servile amiability” especially.
Thank you for the link! I have never read this story and am eager to check it out!
Lol @ “thank you note slander”! Cute pic of your son! Please thank him for the laugh-- it doesn’t need to be in the form of a handwritten note, however.
So ...personally I appreciate getting a “thank you text” --mainly in cases where I sent a gift far away and want to be sure it was received. I also enjoy hearing whether the recipients enjoy the gift. (I don’t get mad if I don’t hear. Gifts need to be freely given! But there’s a place for letting people know you enjoyed their gifts.)
My daughter sent various family members and family friends heartfelt thank you texts for her graduation gifts last summer-- and although I would never say anything to her (because she did it spontaneously and I don’t think she did anything wrong) all her friends to whom we’d given graduation gifts (and there were quite a few!) ALL sent handwritten notes. ***All of them.*** I was astonished. Also I felt a bit like I’d failed in my mom duties on that occasion to be honest.
Re thank you notes for interviews. I really appreciate getting those (well, in 2022 they take the form of “thank you emails”) because I perceive people who send them as being seriously interested in the job, and I only want to hire from the subset of people who are seriously interested. I find it helpful to get those notes, if otherwise it’s a close call. Plus it’s an indication they know how to be socially appropriate. That’s important when hiring for public-facing jobs.
I don’t think you failed in your mom duties! You are in the text-thank-you-note vanguard! And thank you emails after an interview are probably a good idea, because you can reiterate why you’re the best candidate and also share more info or ask for a follow-up interview. I see that kind of message as part of the interview process. But a special thank you note for the privilege of undergoing an interview?! Madness!
(Thanks for the kind words about the picture, btw! It’s one of my favorites!)
Truly adorable!!!
So lol at your prism thank you note issue, I waited until the end of the day to write this response to your post because I knew I would be getting birthday wishes and possibly gifts today from my lovely family here in the UK. After our gathering complete with cake, a music themed water bottle from my sister and a British flag tin complete with shortbread biscuits from my cousins, not to mention sharing a lovely lunch and walk with everyone, I sent a What’s App thank you to everyone that came. And received thanks for the gifts I had brought for the youngest generation, Ono 3, Freddie 6 months, and Sophie 1 month. (Ono thanked me himself, Freddie and Sophie’s parents gave their thanks!). It is ok to use modern technology to express feelings of gratitude! I am also trying really hard to let go of the irritation I have for the son of a good friend whom I will see in a couple of days…my husband and I attended the wedding of her eldest child 3 years ago, flying to Oregon from NJ and giving a reasonable sized cash gift….we are still waiting for the TY note! But being both British (we don’t talk about these things) and it’s not my friends fault her son is at fault, it will not be discussed!
I love your WhatsApp solution! And hopefully your friend’s son will thank you in person very soon! Enjoy the rest of your trip!
Hi Mari--Another winning column! I enjoy hand-writing notes when it feels right, and I got some lovely hand-written cards when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (along with emails, etc), but I completely agree with you about Thank You notes and how they distort the whole idea behind giving. A set of relatives (who shall remain unidentified) grew very critical of our children for not promptly writing thank you notes. This was really criticism of me and my husband, and I really minded because we were both working full time and trying to manage three kids and all that that entails and did not see Thank Yous as important relative to everything else going on in our lives. Also, my feeling has always been that if one gives a gift it should be done in a spirit of generosity, not with the expectation of being immediately and formally recognized as being a generous gift-giver. To me, that's not the point of generosity--in fact, the opposite.
I like formally thanking people, but only when it feels from the heart, and certainly NOT when the expectation is that the gift-giver deserves my thanks in that particular way, no matter what else I am busy with (as for example, the grieving person in the Social Qs column).
In conclusion, Thank you friend, for writing this column about how the writing of thank you notes can become an occasion of sin. I agree.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment! I think that people who genuinely enjoy writing handwritten notes and are also (ahem) somewhat older and possibly retired have no idea what a hassle writing them can be for young families, or how alien they can feel when you’re used to just texting someone your thanks right away.
After my husband died I wrote thank you notes to people who attended the funeral or sent flowers or donations in his memory to good causes. Quite a few people sent cards. One day a few weeks after, my daughter came in as I was dolefully writing thank you notes for the cards and she said, "mom, STOP!" I did.
You have a wonderful daughter. I love that she was taking care of you.
Oh, dear! I guess I am going to be the only one to disagree. I am in agreement that a handwritten note sent via USPS is not the only way to express gratitude; however, especially when a package is mailed or ordered to be delivered, I do expect to hear that the gift has arrived safely.
Our elderly neighbor has grown very fond of our 3 grandchildren. During Covid, I did not take them over to visit her, of course. Now that “things” are better, we take a walk across the street for a little visit. She often has a little gift for each of them. She usually calls me at least 3 times to thank me for taking them to see her or to tell me how much she loves getting their thank you notes, usually pictures they have of the gifts, which she now hangs on her frig. “Miss Loretta” has only a flip phone in her modern technology bag of tricks.
I also think a handmade gift deserves a special response. If someone has taken the time to knit a baby sweater or make a quilt, I think a quick email is not enough. At least a photo could be added to an email.
Roger’s sister was the first person to succumb to Covid in Cape May County, NJ. Roger (and I) re chives dozen of notes and cards of sympathy and notification Ps of donations. I wrote a personal note to every single person who did so. No one likes to do that, but I was helping Roger and was reminded as I wrote each one how thoughtful and caring people really are.
I am so sorry about your sister-in-law, Kathy. And I agree that especially when you ship a gift, the recipient ought to let you know that s/he has received it.
It is very sweet that your grandkids have a bond with Miss Loretta--thank you for sharing that lovely story!
If only you could have had this perspective when I was in elementary school! But seriously, I do agree with you. From the perspective of the younger generation- nobody really wants to get a thank you note, either. We all remember being forced to write them, and it just feels overly formal and insincere.
I apologize for all those notes I made you write!