Dec 1, 2022·edited Dec 1, 2022Liked by Mari, the Happy Wanderer
Great post. While I think there is some merit to the privilege discourse, it really does flatten the reality of human interaction to just few metrics, which rarely tell the full story.
Since I inevitably use your comments for telling my life story:
Growing up, I was always incredibly envious of those who had the greatest privilege of them all: money. Particularly the type they didn't need to work for. Not only did I grow up fabulously poor, I did so in a place that was fabulously wealthy (among the wealthiest places in the wealthiest country on Earth). This envy was increaaed by going to law school where I could count on one hand the amount of my classmates whose parents weren't at least solidly middle class, with most being much, much better off.
When I was about 30 I was working for a small political consulting group while also trying to launch a solo law practice. We had this candidate for office we kept trying to recruit who was everything I envied. His father was a fabulously wealthy and eminently respected lawyer. While I had to claw and fight this dude just walked into a legal career he clearly didn't care about. He also lived in the immense mansion next to my elementary school that I spent so many days as a child looking on with awe. I was in envy overload here!
Then one night while at the law library (where I would do my research because I couldn't afford Lexis and was working 15 hour days trying to make ends meet) I came across my state's authoritative tomes on Evidence (an important part of the law!) And they're all written by - and named after - this dude's dad. And in that one moment the concept of privilege was completely realigned for me.
Holy shit, this must suck! This dude was forced into a career he didn't want and which he could not only never measure up to his father, but would always be judged against him. I don't even know my father and I'm clearly the most successful person to ever bear my last name. Yeah, I got problems, but man, this guy has Oedipus level problems. It's undeniable that he has immense privilege but it was also clear that it came with immense costs. And my problems - real as they may be - also provided me with ample benefits I never valued before.
I would like to say I've been privilege envy free since then but, that's a lie. Have you seen Chris Pratt? But I like to think I've taken that lesson - the lesson of your beautiful argument here - to heart and I can attest that doing so has made me infinitely happier and more content with my life.
Dec 1, 2022·edited Dec 1, 2022Liked by Mari, the Happy Wanderer
Excellent article, Mari. Many thoughts about life, privilages, challenges, families, etc. It's worth a whole book.
I want to share my recent chicken soup experience. I was out stock, which I make all the time and store in the freezer. But I was also out of bones and scraps, so I figured I'd have to make a roast chicken, then subsequently make the stock. At the grocery store I noticed the rotisserie chickens, and thought, why not make the stock and chicken soup all at once? (Note the rotisseries are often cheaper than buying raw chickens-- they are big loss-leaders.) So I stripped the carcass, used the bones to make my one-hour Instant Pot broth (it makes the best!) then reassembled with a few more vegetables, gnocchi (I was too lazy to make dumplings, and purposefully kept the recipe to feel "easy and quick"), and a splash of cream. The results were great! Only later did I learn that Olive Garden has a similar and very popular creamy gnocchi chicken soup.
I came here to say that your recipes are always bangers. And now I'm thrilled to have Jewish Penicillin in my repertoire!
I, too, felt salty about the clearly politically slanted privilege quiz. I am VERY privileged in so many important ways! That's not the issue. It's the quizzes set up to purposefully make some people feel less-than, to cultivate a shoulder chip, that irk me. Because that's a terrible mindset to nurture in people who may already lack some of the more important privileges you've enumerated AND allow others to feel oppressed when in many very important ways they are not.
I am late, but I thank you for your words, which I found heartening and insightful. In the spirit of trying to embody the spirit you invoke here, I will take a risk and ask a question - if any readers or commenters are part of the professional-managerial class, what is that like? What are some less glamorous parts of your life that I as a more working-class person with a job instead of a career might not have to deal with? What difficulties do you face that I might not?
I admit to lots of silent resentment of such folks, mostly their paychecks and things those paychecks can buy and prestige that comes from both and power as a voting bloc. I would like to find more empathy, even if for the selfish reason of wanting to feel more happiness and less angst.
I have arrived relatively late to the party but I must confess that your post touched off a few thoughts in me on the nature of privilege and gratitude. (Hey, no one can accuse you of clickbaiting as far as post titles are concerned.)
You see, this post caught me at an opportune time, and a bit of background: I'm relatively young and for most of my life have been in pretty good health outside of occasional colds, flus, and the like. But around 2021, a bunch of stars seemed to align in the wrong way. I got an intestinal colitis- triggered by what, I know not, the blood and stool tests were inconclusive- accompanied by sudden and severe ulcers and acid reflux like clockwork lava after every meal. The antibiotics and other drugs I was given caused insomnia and migraines the likes of which I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy (and I admit I have quite a few enemies). Back pain, shoulder pain, and carpal tunnel syndrome, none of which I'd had even a hint of as a young computer-addicted teen, reared their heads in unison. My bladder turned into a perpetual motion device running on a timer set between 15-30 minute stochastic intervals. Suffice it to say, there were very few days in 2021 and 2022 in which I could honestly, truly say I felt "well". I fear that to this day I've forgotten what it was like to be normal. Of course, my mental health (never my strong suit) took a beating during this time, and I will confess (to strangers on the internet) that I wasn't the happiest person to be around. And I suppose I had every excuse to be. And as it turns out, at the time I was reading this post, I was suffering from a flare-up of the ulcers (one of which caused me to wake up at 5 am), and most recently, out of nowhere and completely unrelated to any of the above, my jaw randomly and briefly dislocated while I was chewing food one day. (I'm actually told by multiple sources that this is not as uncommon as it sounds, though that was and is small comfort to me now.) My jaw and face constantly feels fatigued in a way it's never felt before, yawning and eating is extremely unpleasant, and I've gotten very good at typing "temporomandibular joint dysfunction" without needing autocorrect.
But for all of my troubles, I realize that I still have a roof over my head, I am able to keep myself fed (even if my ulcer-ridden stomach isn't always a fan), and though I'm by no means rich, I don't have any significant amounts of outstanding debt. Talking is a chore, but at least I can talk. And I realize that though it is tempting, the "woe is me" approach has never resulted in me getting anything I have wanted (at least in the long term, and over the age of around nine or so). I have an education and a degree; I have electricity and a computer and internet access and running water. I have had clinical depression in the past around 2015 (in fact, a very severe one), but I found therapy, survived, and I'm still here. And in fact, while I won't deny my mental health was and has been less than ideal, I am still grateful to say I've never been to the dark depths I had around six years ago (ironically, when I was still among the able-bodied and healthy). And I remain fully aware that many, many other human beings survive with ailments and life situations far more dramatic than mine, often through no fault of their own.
I think what this piece speaks to me at the end is humanity. To be human is to be privileged in untold ways. To be human is also to be capable of sentience, intelligence, and suffering that few other organisms can experience or comprehend. But to be able to take the good with the bad, and the bad with the good, and to be able to communicate and extend that to others, that is being human as well. And as I take my acid-reducer pills and make a mental note to look up a therapist and a jaw-joint specializing dentist tomorrow, I think one might even call it a privilege.
First, thanks, Mari for quoting my line about those of us whose immune systems came from Crazy Eddie's Bargain Basement--a real store where I grew up. Also, I love your use of adverbs. I remember when I had our son, and then our twin daughters, how much I focused on the idea of the "good enough mother." No mother will be perfect, but I felt sure that if I worked at it I could be good enough. Envy often seems about some alluring idea of perfection or having hard things come easily to people or things people want being easy to obtain (say, if you're wealthy). "Good enough" is a good enough standard for a lot of life. I also try to remind myself that time spent feeling envious is time wasted. It's a very human emotion, but accomplishes nothing beyond making the envious person feel bad about themselves. On my good days, I see that clearly.
Great post. While I think there is some merit to the privilege discourse, it really does flatten the reality of human interaction to just few metrics, which rarely tell the full story.
Just what I need today.
I love how you morphed tiresome, judgy one-dimensional privilege discourse into something more reflective of reality and more useful and inspiring.
Since I inevitably use your comments for telling my life story:
Growing up, I was always incredibly envious of those who had the greatest privilege of them all: money. Particularly the type they didn't need to work for. Not only did I grow up fabulously poor, I did so in a place that was fabulously wealthy (among the wealthiest places in the wealthiest country on Earth). This envy was increaaed by going to law school where I could count on one hand the amount of my classmates whose parents weren't at least solidly middle class, with most being much, much better off.
When I was about 30 I was working for a small political consulting group while also trying to launch a solo law practice. We had this candidate for office we kept trying to recruit who was everything I envied. His father was a fabulously wealthy and eminently respected lawyer. While I had to claw and fight this dude just walked into a legal career he clearly didn't care about. He also lived in the immense mansion next to my elementary school that I spent so many days as a child looking on with awe. I was in envy overload here!
Then one night while at the law library (where I would do my research because I couldn't afford Lexis and was working 15 hour days trying to make ends meet) I came across my state's authoritative tomes on Evidence (an important part of the law!) And they're all written by - and named after - this dude's dad. And in that one moment the concept of privilege was completely realigned for me.
Holy shit, this must suck! This dude was forced into a career he didn't want and which he could not only never measure up to his father, but would always be judged against him. I don't even know my father and I'm clearly the most successful person to ever bear my last name. Yeah, I got problems, but man, this guy has Oedipus level problems. It's undeniable that he has immense privilege but it was also clear that it came with immense costs. And my problems - real as they may be - also provided me with ample benefits I never valued before.
I would like to say I've been privilege envy free since then but, that's a lie. Have you seen Chris Pratt? But I like to think I've taken that lesson - the lesson of your beautiful argument here - to heart and I can attest that doing so has made me infinitely happier and more content with my life.
Excellent article, Mari. Many thoughts about life, privilages, challenges, families, etc. It's worth a whole book.
I want to share my recent chicken soup experience. I was out stock, which I make all the time and store in the freezer. But I was also out of bones and scraps, so I figured I'd have to make a roast chicken, then subsequently make the stock. At the grocery store I noticed the rotisserie chickens, and thought, why not make the stock and chicken soup all at once? (Note the rotisseries are often cheaper than buying raw chickens-- they are big loss-leaders.) So I stripped the carcass, used the bones to make my one-hour Instant Pot broth (it makes the best!) then reassembled with a few more vegetables, gnocchi (I was too lazy to make dumplings, and purposefully kept the recipe to feel "easy and quick"), and a splash of cream. The results were great! Only later did I learn that Olive Garden has a similar and very popular creamy gnocchi chicken soup.
I came here to say that your recipes are always bangers. And now I'm thrilled to have Jewish Penicillin in my repertoire!
I, too, felt salty about the clearly politically slanted privilege quiz. I am VERY privileged in so many important ways! That's not the issue. It's the quizzes set up to purposefully make some people feel less-than, to cultivate a shoulder chip, that irk me. Because that's a terrible mindset to nurture in people who may already lack some of the more important privileges you've enumerated AND allow others to feel oppressed when in many very important ways they are not.
Most essays should end with a recipe!
Great piece.
I missed this originally, but through a strange path of clicks today* I circled back to it. Excellent piece.
* https://xkcd.com/214/
I am late, but I thank you for your words, which I found heartening and insightful. In the spirit of trying to embody the spirit you invoke here, I will take a risk and ask a question - if any readers or commenters are part of the professional-managerial class, what is that like? What are some less glamorous parts of your life that I as a more working-class person with a job instead of a career might not have to deal with? What difficulties do you face that I might not?
I admit to lots of silent resentment of such folks, mostly their paychecks and things those paychecks can buy and prestige that comes from both and power as a voting bloc. I would like to find more empathy, even if for the selfish reason of wanting to feel more happiness and less angst.
I have arrived relatively late to the party but I must confess that your post touched off a few thoughts in me on the nature of privilege and gratitude. (Hey, no one can accuse you of clickbaiting as far as post titles are concerned.)
You see, this post caught me at an opportune time, and a bit of background: I'm relatively young and for most of my life have been in pretty good health outside of occasional colds, flus, and the like. But around 2021, a bunch of stars seemed to align in the wrong way. I got an intestinal colitis- triggered by what, I know not, the blood and stool tests were inconclusive- accompanied by sudden and severe ulcers and acid reflux like clockwork lava after every meal. The antibiotics and other drugs I was given caused insomnia and migraines the likes of which I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy (and I admit I have quite a few enemies). Back pain, shoulder pain, and carpal tunnel syndrome, none of which I'd had even a hint of as a young computer-addicted teen, reared their heads in unison. My bladder turned into a perpetual motion device running on a timer set between 15-30 minute stochastic intervals. Suffice it to say, there were very few days in 2021 and 2022 in which I could honestly, truly say I felt "well". I fear that to this day I've forgotten what it was like to be normal. Of course, my mental health (never my strong suit) took a beating during this time, and I will confess (to strangers on the internet) that I wasn't the happiest person to be around. And I suppose I had every excuse to be. And as it turns out, at the time I was reading this post, I was suffering from a flare-up of the ulcers (one of which caused me to wake up at 5 am), and most recently, out of nowhere and completely unrelated to any of the above, my jaw randomly and briefly dislocated while I was chewing food one day. (I'm actually told by multiple sources that this is not as uncommon as it sounds, though that was and is small comfort to me now.) My jaw and face constantly feels fatigued in a way it's never felt before, yawning and eating is extremely unpleasant, and I've gotten very good at typing "temporomandibular joint dysfunction" without needing autocorrect.
But for all of my troubles, I realize that I still have a roof over my head, I am able to keep myself fed (even if my ulcer-ridden stomach isn't always a fan), and though I'm by no means rich, I don't have any significant amounts of outstanding debt. Talking is a chore, but at least I can talk. And I realize that though it is tempting, the "woe is me" approach has never resulted in me getting anything I have wanted (at least in the long term, and over the age of around nine or so). I have an education and a degree; I have electricity and a computer and internet access and running water. I have had clinical depression in the past around 2015 (in fact, a very severe one), but I found therapy, survived, and I'm still here. And in fact, while I won't deny my mental health was and has been less than ideal, I am still grateful to say I've never been to the dark depths I had around six years ago (ironically, when I was still among the able-bodied and healthy). And I remain fully aware that many, many other human beings survive with ailments and life situations far more dramatic than mine, often through no fault of their own.
I think what this piece speaks to me at the end is humanity. To be human is to be privileged in untold ways. To be human is also to be capable of sentience, intelligence, and suffering that few other organisms can experience or comprehend. But to be able to take the good with the bad, and the bad with the good, and to be able to communicate and extend that to others, that is being human as well. And as I take my acid-reducer pills and make a mental note to look up a therapist and a jaw-joint specializing dentist tomorrow, I think one might even call it a privilege.
Great piece, Mari. But I have to disagree about Christy Turlington. Yes, very beautiful. But less so than Elle MacPherson OR Brigitte Bardot.
First, thanks, Mari for quoting my line about those of us whose immune systems came from Crazy Eddie's Bargain Basement--a real store where I grew up. Also, I love your use of adverbs. I remember when I had our son, and then our twin daughters, how much I focused on the idea of the "good enough mother." No mother will be perfect, but I felt sure that if I worked at it I could be good enough. Envy often seems about some alluring idea of perfection or having hard things come easily to people or things people want being easy to obtain (say, if you're wealthy). "Good enough" is a good enough standard for a lot of life. I also try to remind myself that time spent feeling envious is time wasted. It's a very human emotion, but accomplishes nothing beyond making the envious person feel bad about themselves. On my good days, I see that clearly.
1.) Great post! Nice dose of gratitude for the morning.
2.) “Thus the serpent eats its own tail.” <== I lol’ed