I think a problem with gentle parenting is that it is vaguely defined, and a lot of people who specifically identify as gentle parents take it way over the top.
But to me, Louise's response actually contains elements of gentle parenting by my definition. She acknowledged the child's emotions with "I know you are frustrated."
I'm biased in a different direction as a Millennial (albeit an older one) but I think a lot of old school parenting was missing this approach all together (think "stop crying!) so we've overcorrected.
This is a good point. I love that Louise expressed sympathy for how Casey’s cousin was feeling. A lot of parenting in previous generations wasn’t sympathetic at all. I am glad that that era is over!
My story isn't exactly what you're talking about, but related. Our kids all got a free bus pass as transportation for their arts high school, which was downtown Pittsburgh. There were parents in Pittsburgh who did not agree with us having our kids take the bus to school and wherever else they wanted to go. But it was wonderful for the kids, who became experts at the bus schedule, figuring out which bus they needed to take to meet up with their friends. Arthur and I appreciated not having to drive them around everywhere, so it was definitely a win-win. The kids learned autonomy and competence and Arthur and I had more free time. Plus, the kids knew we would come get them if something went wrong and they needed a lift. To me, that's the balance that is key to good parenting: helping your kids feel solid while also being there if they need you. They need to balance out security and autonomy. Over-identifying with your kids won't accomplish that (though sometimes it's hard not to), and behaving tyrannically towards them, or like a bulldozer, certainly won't.
Oh, this is an excellent example, and exactly what I was talking about! Kids really do enjoy the feeling of being capable and surmounting obstacles. And I agree that they also need to know we have their back. Before Noah’s first day riding the Prague subway alone, we did a dry run together, so I could show him where he had to change trains, which platform to get on, what the name of his stop sounded like over the crackly PA system, etc.
But it was easier for me, because not only did I get no pushback from other parents, but in fact Noah was just doing what all kids his age do in Prague. Good for you for doing what was right for your kids, even if other parents disagreed.
Cool! Arthur did a dry run with Conrad before he took the bus to high school the first time. I think we figured Miranda and Sophia had each other and would be OK. I'm glad to know that Czech parents are a little more encouraging of kids' autonomy than parents often are in the U.S.
Yes! High fives and fist bumps all around. Well said, my friend. I remember that incident in choir but had no idea that your parents came with you to see Mr. Hansen only as support. Knowing this detail makes me adore your parents even more. When my daughter was growing up I was one of very few GenX parents in her group. I was also one of the only parents who didn't attend every sports practice and game. I think the kiddo (now an adult) is still in therapy because my motto was "You are in sports because you enjoy playing, not because I enjoy watching."
Oh, I agree completely with this! My parents always went to one performance of everything I was in, but it would have been insane to expect them to come to everything. They had jobs and lives beyond me!
Ironically we were just having a similar conversation on our way home from choir last night, this is my friend's story but I don't think she will mind me using it here. She comes from a family of 7 kids she being the 2nd. Her childhood was very much you do as I say and no arguments, lets face it her poor mom had 6 other kids to worry about so no room for tantrums! She wanted to raise her kids differently (as did we all) and so when her youngest threw a tantrum she said "fine you can have the tantrum but go to your room I don't want to hear it", she of course made sure the child was safe. The result, her daughter learned to self calm and rejoined the family when she felt better. My friends other rule was: you can say if you are having a bad day and wanted to be left alone and she would respect that but at no time were they allowed to lie to her. She would also say to her kids "Mom is feeling cranky today" and the kids would know to not push for things. I wish that I had that self restrain, I know for sure I tried to appease and that was definitely not the best approach with twins who were highly competitive. All they wanted was to "win" over their twin! Thankfully in adulthood that has subsided and they are now constantly in touch and one will be the Best Man at the others wedding later this year....you have no idea how relived I was when that was made public!!! His fiancée also gets on really well with his brother, so phew!
To the dog thing, as a child, a large barking dog chased me and I have been scared ever since of barking dogs, I think the worse thing ever invented was invisible fences! If I see a dog in their front yard unleashed, I "know" there must be an invisible fence but I do not trust it so walk on the opposite side of the street just in case!
Oh wow, your friend sounds like the most wonderful mom! I think kids feel empowered when parents allow them to have their emotions in a way that doesn’t disturb other people, and then to calm themselves. And I really love that she would sometimes tell her kids that she was feeling cranky that day. I ran into a similar situation when I was a teacher. My grandpa had just died, and I had told my students that I would be out for a couple of days to go to the funeral. We then moved on to an assignment, and a few students started arguing with me about deadlines, grading, etc. I looked at the class and said, “You know, I’m kind of having a bad day and really don’t have the energy for this.” And they all stopped and were absolutely lovely for the rest of class, and a couple of kids even apologized afterwards. If you expect kids to behave appropriately, you discover that they are not only capable of that, but that they want to be good and helpful.
Also, I love dogs, but I dislike the Invisible Fence too—for a different reason: I want to pet the dogs, but they freak out when they get too close to the fence.
I think a problem with gentle parenting is that it is vaguely defined, and a lot of people who specifically identify as gentle parents take it way over the top.
But to me, Louise's response actually contains elements of gentle parenting by my definition. She acknowledged the child's emotions with "I know you are frustrated."
I'm biased in a different direction as a Millennial (albeit an older one) but I think a lot of old school parenting was missing this approach all together (think "stop crying!) so we've overcorrected.
This is a good point. I love that Louise expressed sympathy for how Casey’s cousin was feeling. A lot of parenting in previous generations wasn’t sympathetic at all. I am glad that that era is over!
My story isn't exactly what you're talking about, but related. Our kids all got a free bus pass as transportation for their arts high school, which was downtown Pittsburgh. There were parents in Pittsburgh who did not agree with us having our kids take the bus to school and wherever else they wanted to go. But it was wonderful for the kids, who became experts at the bus schedule, figuring out which bus they needed to take to meet up with their friends. Arthur and I appreciated not having to drive them around everywhere, so it was definitely a win-win. The kids learned autonomy and competence and Arthur and I had more free time. Plus, the kids knew we would come get them if something went wrong and they needed a lift. To me, that's the balance that is key to good parenting: helping your kids feel solid while also being there if they need you. They need to balance out security and autonomy. Over-identifying with your kids won't accomplish that (though sometimes it's hard not to), and behaving tyrannically towards them, or like a bulldozer, certainly won't.
Nice column, Mari.
Oh, this is an excellent example, and exactly what I was talking about! Kids really do enjoy the feeling of being capable and surmounting obstacles. And I agree that they also need to know we have their back. Before Noah’s first day riding the Prague subway alone, we did a dry run together, so I could show him where he had to change trains, which platform to get on, what the name of his stop sounded like over the crackly PA system, etc.
But it was easier for me, because not only did I get no pushback from other parents, but in fact Noah was just doing what all kids his age do in Prague. Good for you for doing what was right for your kids, even if other parents disagreed.
Cool! Arthur did a dry run with Conrad before he took the bus to high school the first time. I think we figured Miranda and Sophia had each other and would be OK. I'm glad to know that Czech parents are a little more encouraging of kids' autonomy than parents often are in the U.S.
Yes! High fives and fist bumps all around. Well said, my friend. I remember that incident in choir but had no idea that your parents came with you to see Mr. Hansen only as support. Knowing this detail makes me adore your parents even more. When my daughter was growing up I was one of very few GenX parents in her group. I was also one of the only parents who didn't attend every sports practice and game. I think the kiddo (now an adult) is still in therapy because my motto was "You are in sports because you enjoy playing, not because I enjoy watching."
Oh, I agree completely with this! My parents always went to one performance of everything I was in, but it would have been insane to expect them to come to everything. They had jobs and lives beyond me!
Ironically we were just having a similar conversation on our way home from choir last night, this is my friend's story but I don't think she will mind me using it here. She comes from a family of 7 kids she being the 2nd. Her childhood was very much you do as I say and no arguments, lets face it her poor mom had 6 other kids to worry about so no room for tantrums! She wanted to raise her kids differently (as did we all) and so when her youngest threw a tantrum she said "fine you can have the tantrum but go to your room I don't want to hear it", she of course made sure the child was safe. The result, her daughter learned to self calm and rejoined the family when she felt better. My friends other rule was: you can say if you are having a bad day and wanted to be left alone and she would respect that but at no time were they allowed to lie to her. She would also say to her kids "Mom is feeling cranky today" and the kids would know to not push for things. I wish that I had that self restrain, I know for sure I tried to appease and that was definitely not the best approach with twins who were highly competitive. All they wanted was to "win" over their twin! Thankfully in adulthood that has subsided and they are now constantly in touch and one will be the Best Man at the others wedding later this year....you have no idea how relived I was when that was made public!!! His fiancée also gets on really well with his brother, so phew!
To the dog thing, as a child, a large barking dog chased me and I have been scared ever since of barking dogs, I think the worse thing ever invented was invisible fences! If I see a dog in their front yard unleashed, I "know" there must be an invisible fence but I do not trust it so walk on the opposite side of the street just in case!
Oh wow, your friend sounds like the most wonderful mom! I think kids feel empowered when parents allow them to have their emotions in a way that doesn’t disturb other people, and then to calm themselves. And I really love that she would sometimes tell her kids that she was feeling cranky that day. I ran into a similar situation when I was a teacher. My grandpa had just died, and I had told my students that I would be out for a couple of days to go to the funeral. We then moved on to an assignment, and a few students started arguing with me about deadlines, grading, etc. I looked at the class and said, “You know, I’m kind of having a bad day and really don’t have the energy for this.” And they all stopped and were absolutely lovely for the rest of class, and a couple of kids even apologized afterwards. If you expect kids to behave appropriately, you discover that they are not only capable of that, but that they want to be good and helpful.
Also, I love dogs, but I dislike the Invisible Fence too—for a different reason: I want to pet the dogs, but they freak out when they get too close to the fence.