I can't BELIEVE some of the bad advice some people give!! Imagine being told by your own mother that you'll only enjoy your life if you don't have kids!
The best advice I got when I was diagnosed with breast cancer was "Don't listen to anyone else's advice," told me by my book publisher who had also had breast cancer. Then she laughed about giving advice not to listen to advice, but it was a great thing for someone to say and helpful.
I try not to give advice, but when I do I usually add "Free advice is worth what you pay for it." In other words, feel free to ignore what I'm saying since I'm no kind of expert. The only exception is for medical questions I can answer with expertise since I'm a nurse. But then I'm not giving advice, I'm dispensing knowledge, which can also be ignored, but might be worth listening to. Might.
I like your distinction between giving advice and sharing knowledge! Two of my BILs are doctors, and I am always coming to them with medical questions and am so grateful for their help and advice. I bet the people you advise are grateful too.
If it's not too traumatic, I'd love to hear/read all about your dissertation! How did you select the topic, was it just assigned? Did you ever love it, and do you find any joy in it after all this time? My own thesis was incredibly narrow and mostly pointless, but still made it into a few textbooks, which made me smile.
Oh, it’s not at all traumatic, but it is kind of long. We can talk about it on one of our walks sometime. My main theoretical problem was that I was trying to use psychoanalytic theory (not Freud, but object relations) as well as the work of Mary Douglas on purity and shame culture. I was interested in the topic (the novels and conduct books of Daniel Defoe), but it took me so long to get my proposal written that psychoanalytic theory had gone out of fashion. I wanted to take it out, and my advisor thought that theoretical framework was the only new and interesting thing about my dissertation, hence the conflict.
I’m very enthusiastic about sharing the way out of the hole, if I’ve been in it and think i know the way out -- so enthusiastic, in fact, that I try to add disclaimers like, “it’s fine if you don’t want this advice but this is what helped me / my friend / my family member...” Even then sometimes I worry that it’s a bit much.
The older you get, the more holes you’ve been in, and you hate to see others languishing there.
There are certain things, like sleep, weight, digestion, parenting, where people think they know the answer specifically _because_ they don’t have the problem themselves. That’s the very worst!.
For instance I had a friend with chronic constipation -- it disrupted her life. I don’t believe I’ve ever been constipated (?) but to tell her to drink plenty of water and eat plenty of fiber would have been the height of obnoxiousness --because for one thing, she doesn’t live under a rock. For another thing, I watched her drink plenty of water and eat plenty of fiber.
One of the most important lessons we can learn is: people are different. The insomniac friend already read that article and does X, Y, Z. The overweight friend is not sitting in the closet when your back is turned, eating pints of ice cream -- she had the same salad as you but she’s built different. The parent with the really high-strung dysregulated child (who was born screaming and won’t settle down, ever) will not benefit from your advice if your kid was born naturally mellow, even if you’re sure your kid’s behavior is due to your own stellar parenting. (If you play enough Kid Roulette, someday you’ll have a dysregulated kid too.) I think in the Sears family, those folks who wrote a bunch of parenting books, it was their fourth child. They’ve said if they’d had their fourth child first, she would have no doubt been their only child. I think about that sometimes, when I see beleaguered parents of just one kid who’s really a “handful”-- the judgment they face! The advice they get!
In conclusion: advice is hard, on both ends!! This is a fun exploration of that.
I loved the article. I wish I had learned some of your wise thoughts earlier in my life! My children call me “the six foot ear”, which I take as a compliment; however, I have been caught short on how to respond in many situations.
Luckily that advice about being a highway patrol officer was not given by Mari's dad. Posted by Mari's mom
Yes! All the good and bad advice in the final section is quotes from friends, not from me!
Great advice: always go pee before you leave.
This is the best advice ever--and also take a drink of water (just to complete the cycle).
I can't BELIEVE some of the bad advice some people give!! Imagine being told by your own mother that you'll only enjoy your life if you don't have kids!
I know. That one was so terribly sad to me.
The best advice I got when I was diagnosed with breast cancer was "Don't listen to anyone else's advice," told me by my book publisher who had also had breast cancer. Then she laughed about giving advice not to listen to advice, but it was a great thing for someone to say and helpful.
I try not to give advice, but when I do I usually add "Free advice is worth what you pay for it." In other words, feel free to ignore what I'm saying since I'm no kind of expert. The only exception is for medical questions I can answer with expertise since I'm a nurse. But then I'm not giving advice, I'm dispensing knowledge, which can also be ignored, but might be worth listening to. Might.
I like your distinction between giving advice and sharing knowledge! Two of my BILs are doctors, and I am always coming to them with medical questions and am so grateful for their help and advice. I bet the people you advise are grateful too.
If it's not too traumatic, I'd love to hear/read all about your dissertation! How did you select the topic, was it just assigned? Did you ever love it, and do you find any joy in it after all this time? My own thesis was incredibly narrow and mostly pointless, but still made it into a few textbooks, which made me smile.
Oh, it’s not at all traumatic, but it is kind of long. We can talk about it on one of our walks sometime. My main theoretical problem was that I was trying to use psychoanalytic theory (not Freud, but object relations) as well as the work of Mary Douglas on purity and shame culture. I was interested in the topic (the novels and conduct books of Daniel Defoe), but it took me so long to get my proposal written that psychoanalytic theory had gone out of fashion. I wanted to take it out, and my advisor thought that theoretical framework was the only new and interesting thing about my dissertation, hence the conflict.
What a great topic!
I’m very enthusiastic about sharing the way out of the hole, if I’ve been in it and think i know the way out -- so enthusiastic, in fact, that I try to add disclaimers like, “it’s fine if you don’t want this advice but this is what helped me / my friend / my family member...” Even then sometimes I worry that it’s a bit much.
The older you get, the more holes you’ve been in, and you hate to see others languishing there.
There are certain things, like sleep, weight, digestion, parenting, where people think they know the answer specifically _because_ they don’t have the problem themselves. That’s the very worst!.
For instance I had a friend with chronic constipation -- it disrupted her life. I don’t believe I’ve ever been constipated (?) but to tell her to drink plenty of water and eat plenty of fiber would have been the height of obnoxiousness --because for one thing, she doesn’t live under a rock. For another thing, I watched her drink plenty of water and eat plenty of fiber.
One of the most important lessons we can learn is: people are different. The insomniac friend already read that article and does X, Y, Z. The overweight friend is not sitting in the closet when your back is turned, eating pints of ice cream -- she had the same salad as you but she’s built different. The parent with the really high-strung dysregulated child (who was born screaming and won’t settle down, ever) will not benefit from your advice if your kid was born naturally mellow, even if you’re sure your kid’s behavior is due to your own stellar parenting. (If you play enough Kid Roulette, someday you’ll have a dysregulated kid too.) I think in the Sears family, those folks who wrote a bunch of parenting books, it was their fourth child. They’ve said if they’d had their fourth child first, she would have no doubt been their only child. I think about that sometimes, when I see beleaguered parents of just one kid who’s really a “handful”-- the judgment they face! The advice they get!
In conclusion: advice is hard, on both ends!! This is a fun exploration of that.
Thank you for sharing this wise advice (😉). We are all individuals, and what works for us may be totally useless for someone else.
I loved the article. I wish I had learned some of your wise thoughts earlier in my life! My children call me “the six foot ear”, which I take as a compliment; however, I have been caught short on how to respond in many situations.
I love “the six foot ear”! And often even when we don’t know what to do, just being there is a huge comfort.
As usual, great food for thought and you nailed the premise.
Thank you so much for these kind words!
At airport and hope will be reading this more carefully.
Have a great trip!